Pressure like a drip, drip, drip

Hey everyone out there. It’s been a while. To be honest, I have been buried.

I don’t even know what happened. Nothing really changed, I don’t think. The work is still there. The emails are still there. All the responsibilities that I have been struggling to juggle since I first got sick nearly 2 years ago. They’re all still there.

If anything, things should be getting better. I have spent a long time coming up with clever ways to cope. I have done my best to try to employ help wherever I can. So, how did I suddenly find myself so buried that I felt like could hardly breathe?

I suspect that it’s the same struggle that I have had all along. You want to know some of the most hurtful words an alpha personality ever has to say to themselves? “I can’t do this.”

The funny thing is that people are hearing me when I tell them that I’m not the same and that I need help. More help is actually on its way to me as I type this. But, all I can think of is “I failed because I couldn’t keep all of these balls in the air.”

Forget that there are probably plenty of able-bodied people who couldn’t do all that I do or accomplish all that I have accomplished, even since I got sick. I won’t let myself off the hook.

I know I am not the only person who watched Encanto and related hard to the song “Surface Pressure.” The song has been on my mind a lot lately as I work to get my head around another list of things that I just can’t manage like I used to.

Of course, the background themes in Encanto focus a lot on generational and familial pressure. I think that’s relatable to a lot of us humans out there, and I think probably to a lot of POC people in particular. But, for me, there is an extra layer. There’s the pressure I have internalized.

Sure, that internal pressure has root causes. But, the plain fact of the matter is that the calls are coming from inside the house. If I had no limitations, I’d run at everything and never stop and I find my new limitations especially frustrating.

But, the mindset that I have been attempting to work towards is that if I just let go of all of the things I’m still seeking to control, maybe I could escape the crushing weight, as the song goes. Maybe I could free up some space for the rest of my life.

After all, I imagine that it’s easier to juggle if you put some of the balls down.

That’s what I’m trying to get myself to see. For the moment, I am still a work in progress. I think way too much about all that I need to do, haven’t done, failed to do, etc.

And the battle to accept myself as I am right now and not try to compare myself to some past version of myself is a battle I keep having to refight.

It also doesn’t help that Lent just started and I usually give up my comfort foods. It’s 3 days in and I am not doing well with it. To borrow a turn of phrase from a comedy classic, “I picked a bad time to give up burgers and potatoes.”

Maybe this Lent, I’ll focus on giving up self-pressure instead.

#mentalhealth #reflection #recovery #longcovid #spoontheory