Cooking and other micro-frustrations

A couple of years back, I made a decision to start eating healthier and exercising. I dropped 30 pounds. I felt great. I made a choice that this was, more or less, going to be my new normal and my new lifestyle.

Of course, I had to be less stringent around the holidays because family can get pretty offended when you don’t eat their famous dishes. And honestly, there is no one that this is truer for than my father. Besides, who can resist his mac and cheese?

But then I got covid.

Ever since, I have had issues with appetite. Sometimes, food doesn’t taste right or sometimes I can only eat in small amounts. At my sickest, some days, I ate little and drank protein drinks to make up the difference.

I also didn’t have energy to cook most days. It was all I could do to just move around a little.

But, even more than that, I was too confused and unfocused to cook. I tried to microwave food and I burned it. My friend sent me a meal kit to cook and I didn’t even get to the cooking portion before messing everything up…I accidently threw out some of the ingredients.

So, I started subsisting on food delivery like Postmates and Grubhub and I was very lucky to have several people generously send me food using this method. At first, I attempted to still do my best to order healthy food but there are less options and the ups and downs with my appetite meant that sometimes, the food would be wasted. So, I started loosening my dietary restrictions and ordering whatever I felt confident that I would eat.

But, I really didn’t want to stay this way. It was and still is a fear of mine that I will lose and never regain my healthy lifestyle.

As I started to feel a little better, I started attempting to cook a little. I still couldn’t do complex things. But, I could microwave a sweet potato, put together a salad kit, make a sandwich, etc. It gets old fast and it’s not always the most filling but it’s something. And it’s cheaper than Postmates.

But, a lot of days, I would still cave and get Postmates. I would just be too tired and too confused and too hungry to do better.

Once the decision was made to go on disability, I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford Postmates anymore (not that I could really afford it all that well before).

But, to this day, I am still having a hard time cooking.

I still can’t concentrate. I still have very little energy. So, I decided to try meal prep kits again. I thought maybe I could manage with step-by-step easy recipes.

I selected the most affordable option that I could find. I figured that I could afford it since this would remove some common expenses from my grocery list.

I recently got my first kit and I passed my first test: I successfully unloaded the groceries…But then I looked at the instructions and immediately got worried.

Reading through it, I was pretty sure I was going to have problems understanding and having enough energy to get through the steps without messing up.

I decided to pick the time of day that I usually have the most energy and a day where I didn’t really have anything else that was going to zap a a lot of energy so that I can put everything into this.

So, yesterday I tried to cook. But, I was exhausted before I got through step one. I started feeling confused by step two. I accidently left the oven on for at least 15 minutes before I caught it.

It was the second to last step when I screwed up the dish most likely beyond repair. I tasted it and it’s not great but I haven’t tossed it yet. It’s difficult for me to throw away food and I’m kind of hoping that maybe I can figure out how to salvage it. But, the whole experience has definitely been a hit to my ego.

I feel disappointed and worried. I’m not really sure how to feed myself.

Mostly, it’s just another moment where I feel frustrated and want to cry to the heavens “why can’t I do this? I used to be able to do this.”

I know a lot of fellow long-haulers feel the same.

#cooking #covid #longcovid #longhauler