Fighting Negativity
It is a part of long-covid and a part of having probably any chronic illness, I would guess, that on top of physical battles are also mental ones.
The last week or so was hard. I’d wake up in a bad mood, frustrated by how little I get done, frustrated by still being sick.
Recently, I had been dealing with a reoccurance of some symptoms and pains that I hadn’t been experiencing or that had been less painful: leg pain, burning pain in my feet and hands, coughing, sneezing, pain in my clavicle. Of course, these symptoms are on top of the chest pain, headache, fatigue, and brain fog.
It’s frustrating. It felt like I’m headed in the wrong direction. I just want to stabilize and get better and the search for answers is taking longer than I thought it would.
It is so hard for me to not put myself down. Most days, I try to look at the things that I do manage to accomplish as triumphs.
But, other days, I just can’t help but feel frustrated by my slowness. I am angry at how long it’s taken to get to doctors, to get doctors to respond to me, to get tests done and get tests evaluated.
I guess in my head, I thought I would be past that step.
I’m angry at myself for how long it takes for me to do things. I’m still working on gathering medical records. Oftentimes, it takes me multiple days to accomplish something that used to take minutes.
I get so tired and distracted while doing it that I forget what I’m doing. I have to break even the most simple actions down into steps for myself and then I forget what step I am on.
I’m also really upset because taking care of myself has become harder. I’ve talked a bit about my struggles with cooking. But, it’s more than that.
Before I got sick, I had this super tight exercise and grooming schedule.
My routine was efficient and really helped me maintain my appearance and feel good about myself and my health. My hair was done, my nails trimmed, my face was exfoliated. I would exercise for at least a few minutes every morning and night. I felt really good about myself.
I wasn’t always like that. It was about two years ago that I realized that I wasn’t taking very good care of myself and decided to make changes.
Before that, I put very little work into myself and everything for me was about work and family.
I worked so hard to get to a point where I was carving time out of my busy schedule to take care of myself.
Now, I don’t have the energy to do that routine. I fear that I will lose all that I gained.
I think this is probably painful for everyone who goes through this. But, I would guess that there’s an extra pain that comes from being someone like me with an alpha personality. Someone used to streamrolling through their problems.
I do manage to get through these blue patches. I try to get a list of things together that I am going to accomplish that day. It usually gets me up and moving.
I talk with my family. I talk with my support groups. I talk with my friends. It still isn’t easy, though.
Mostly, what gets me through is faith. God has sent me signs that a better version of me and my life is on the other side of all of this and I truly believe it.
So, I keep going. With patience and with faith.
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