Some Honesty About My Finances

I have been battling fatigue and other factors pretty hard these last few days and it has slowed down my updates.

I’m working on a series of posts talking a bit more in depth about my symptoms. I also am working on a general update about how treatment is going.

But, I felt inspired to change topics for the day.

I have talked a bit in previous posts about my battle to be transparent. It’s something that I have been actively working on for the last couple of years.

But, it’s still a battle for me. There are still things that I hold back. Most of it is because of worry. I don’t worry so much about myself but about the effect that my openness could have on other people.

Sometimes, it’s part of someone else’s story too and I am trying to respect their desire for privacy and also how having the truth out there might affect their lives. Sometimes, I worry that someone is going to worry about me and I don’t want to scare them or hurt them. Sometimes, it’s about even more than that. It’s a faith thing.

There are several aspects of my life where I have felt called by God and I know that it might sound crazy to some people.

I feel that God led me to stay at Oglethorpe University, my undergraduate alma mater, even though I didn’t really have the money to cover my college expenses. I feel that God told me to convert to Catholicism. I feel that God led me to my job at AVLF. I feel that God led me to where I currently reside.

God also has me on a few continuing journeys that haven’t fully been revealed to me including this journey with my illness.

Because God has me on these continuing journeys, I have faith that I will make my way through them even though I don’t know how. So, I do my best to stay on the path even though I am also filled with doubt and fear.

I am battling within myself and that makes it hard to also withstand the influence of others.

Sometimes, I withdraw or stay silent because I am afraid that well-meaning people who are worried for me or scared for me may talk me out of staying on my path. So, I withdraw. But, today I realized that was wrong.

So, where am I going with all of this? Well, recently I have been asked by a few people about my current financial situation and I realized that I have talked a bit about my situation but I haven’t been very open.

Today, I am deciding to be open.

The plain fact of the matter is that I am managing and the bills should be covered for the month. But, I have zero money coming in right now and times are tight.

My job is not currently paying me anything because I am out on short-term disability. My disability insurance is supposed to be paying me but they haven’t paid me since November.

They sent me one check and one check only. I have been fighting with them ever since.

Currently, I am subsisting on the money I already had in my accounts, the one check that disability sent, my credit cards, and the kindness of my friends and family.

My leave is scheduled to end on January 12th. I don’t really know what happens after that. I am rapidly approaching an unknown future.

People are worried for me but I am not worried for myself.

Or at least, most of the time, I am not worried for myself. Why? Because God tells me that I will be okay. There will be an answer. My future is filled with abundance.

So, I just keep going. I do my best to just focus on each day and on trying to get better. I don’t have answers, I just have faith.

#covid #faith #spirituality #longcovid #disability #disabilityinsurance