Torn and Fighting for Peace

I have been planning and planning to create a positive article. A praise report to talk more about how faith delivered me. How I went from no money to being able to pay down my cards, pay off most of my medical bills, and replinish some of my savings.

I’ve been wanting to write that positive post. But, I haven’t been able to do it. It’s not in me right now. The words just won’t come. I’m trying to be positive and celebrate my wins. But, it’s been so hard for me to calmly accept all the ways in which I am struggling.

I’m fighting through my days and it’s been incredibly stressful, exhausting, and painful. I haven’t been able to maintain the beautiful schedule that I thought would help me manage. I’m riddled with body aches and can’t seem to find a solution to manage my pain or what seems to have become chronic sinusitis, ear congestion, and ear pressure.

I’ve also been accomplishing some pretty big things too, though.

Just a week ago, I attended my first hearing since I got sick. After 2 hours of negotiation, I was able to secure a pretty positive result for my client.

When I first contemplated going back to work, I feared that I wouldn’t be able to competently represent clients. I can now put that fear to bed.

But, as soon as I came home from court, I immediately went to sleep. I’ve been experiencing additional fatigue ever since.

I can’t seem to beat back this worry and find peace.

The CDC announced yesterday that vaccinated people can go without masks in public places. I was excited about this announcement. I can be less afraid. I can be around more people. I can finally hug my nieces and nephews again. And boy, have I missed that.

But, I also feel deeply conflicted. The way that things have been operating during this time have also been things I have been reliant on as a survivor.

Being able to log on to church from home, having most social and networking events be by Zoom, working from home. These things have been a lifeline for me. I have to be honest, I’m not sure I can do these things in person.

Part of how I manage the week is being able to sleep most of the weekend. And a lot of times, I get through work by being propped up.

Unfortunately, my body keeps reminding me that I’m not completely well.

That’s not how things were before. Before I was sick, I was non-stop.

Since I work on Saturdays, before lockdown, I would finish work, take a short nap, and then start gathering children for mass. Then, Sunday, I’d wake up bright and early and get everyone to mass. Then, I’d feed the children, make sure they got home and then start getting ready for work the next week.

I work only part-time on Mondays and Fridays. But, with so much work, I usually filled every moment of every hour. I’d run all over- attending networking events, taking care of family, trying to live a healthy lifestyle and keep up my household. I’d wake up, exercise, be the first one to work, one of the last ones to leave. And I would still be buried and busy.

I rarely stopped moving before and I don’t think I can be that person again.

Many other survivors are torn too. For the same reasons I mentioned and also for fear that many will forget the seriousness of this disease and all the issues that survivors are still facing.

I want to be positive. I want feel that peace that passes understanding. That feeling that comes from surrender and trust.

It’s not so easy sometimes. When the waves keep coming and beating you down. But, I know it’s best to keep trying. So, I’ll keep trying. Hopefully soon, I will find the energy to write that praise report.

#sinusitis #earcongestion #pain #bodyaches #chronicfatigue